Ah the 70s, a time of disco, glam rock and funk, so much funk. You couldn't turn on your TV without being slapped in the face by a bass line or horn section, usually accompanied by images of men BEING MANLY, which is so wonderfully illustrated by The Professionals credits:
I mean look at them, just look at them, they're out of that car so damn quickly that I'm pretty sure they weren't wearing seat belts because real men laugh in the face of road safety. If you'd travelled back in time and give them an airbag they'd probably fuck it and then punch you in the face. Which is nothing compared to what they'd do to you if you where wearing a black t-shirt with a number on it, because real men hate maths. Real men are also professionally trained to throw themselves threw windows, to quote Superman 2 "Don't you people ever use doors?"(1)All joking aside it's a great opening sequence that gets you suitably pumped up for some 70s style arse kicking.
Of course sometimes an intro and theme tune will trick you into thinking what you're about to see will be truly exciting television:
It all starts off so well, we get shots of the big stars Martin Landau and Barbara Bain(2) quickly followed by the title itself and then WHOLLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT BASS! We get the funk in full gear while we have a montage of quick clips from this weeks episode, which seem to involve a lot of people quickly moving their heads indicating they're perhaps fighting some kind of alien whiplash. It then moves back to over the top orchestration and finishes on a final funk flourish, by now you're totally pumped up for some exciting sci-fi! This is going to be awesome you think to yourself and then reality brings you down to earth and you remember you're watching Space 1999.
But how about one of the BBCs science fiction efforts? Does Blakes 7 stand up?
It doesn't look as flashy as Space 1999 but it nicely tells the very basics of Blake without any narration. We see a futuristic dome(3), a pixulated Blake being tortured and then we have a clever cut from a space camera to a mask wearing space guard. And then Dudely Simpson's (4) music gets increasingly dramatic we see Blake's face with the words ELIMINATE under it. Just when things can't get any grimmer the music sudden lifts and we fade into space space and a drawing of The Liberator flies straight towards us. Finally with an orchestral florish the logo appears, which I've always admired for the fact they took the Federation symbol from Star Trek and turned it 90 degrees to the right, I can't help but feel that Paramounts winged lawyers would swoop down if they tried it today. In many ways the cheap animation makes me think of Terry Gilliam's Monty Python animations. Perhaps somewhere there's an uncut version in which the Liberator is squashed by a giant foot.
Now because I am nothing if not predictable lets revisit the Doctor Who opening, more specifically the one used from 1974 - 1980.
Along with the original opening we look at last time this is probably the most iconic in the series history, it is also the first time the Tardis and a tunnel featured in the same credit sequence, mottiffs that still feature in the shows credits today. It's also the most terrifying the show had simply for the fact that it features Tom Baker's face giving you his coldest dead-eyed stare yet, even at its Hinchcliffe best the show never managed to be quite as terrifying as that.
Have I missed any? Of course I have, why not be true to the internet and inform me in a slightly pissy manner within the comments section.
1. Or possibly misquote, it's been years since I last saw it. 2. Given the way she turns I can only presume she's been placed on some kind of potters wheel. 3. Take a shot if you're playing the Terry Nation Drinking Game 4. I certainly think that out of his late 70s work this is probably his best piece, it's at least equal to that bit in City Of Death, you know when they're running round Paris and if you've ever seen it I bet you're humming away now.
War, it may be the most horrific of human
experiences but it’s also one of the most gloriously visual and that means it’s
always been a choice subject for films. The Dam Busters, Apocalypse Now, Full
Metal Jacket, Platoon, Saving Private Ryan, the list goes on but what celluloid
experience truly captures the pointless bloody slaughter and sacrifice that any
major conflict involves? Well the answer may surprise you and the slaughter
involved is not bloody but oily, because nothing shows the true horror of
the battlefield as effectively the first 25 minutes of that animated classic Transformers: The Movie.
Yes the film that features Eric Idle voicing a robot that speaks in TV
clichés is a better war film than Platoon. Why you ask? Because two years
before Platoon’s release you weren’t playing with Sergeant
Elias action figures(1). Lets put this in
context, for the two years before the cinematic release of Transformers there
where 65 episodes of the cartoon produced. So repeats aside that at least 65
times a young child of the 80s would have sat down on a Saturday morning and
watched two sets of robots in disguise kick the crap out of each other, safe in
the knowledge that by the end of every episode not only would the status quo be
restored but all your favourite characters would be fine and if, they where an
Autobot, possibly having a forced laugh at some terrible joke. It was fun,
exciting and safe. But soon you were about to learn that where war is concerned
nothing is sacred.
Now it’s 1986 and you’re so excited because
there’s a Transformers Movie and according to its trailer it’s ‘the most
incredible rock ‘n’ roll adventure ever’!
AND it’s starring Judd Nelson! Well OK maybe that particular fact would
be less exciting but it also has a giant transforming planet! How will
Wheeljack, Prowl, Ironhide and of course Optimus Prime get out of this one?
Then the film starts, and you have those opening shots of Unicorn floating
through space which are weirdly beautiful. You cut too a planet of robots,
not Transformers but maybe second cousins? And oh look they even have little
robot children running around, that’s cute even if it does rise the question of
robotic procreation, none the less I’m sure the people on this planet will play
some important role, maybe the Decepticons capture it and the Autobots have to
save everyone…OH GOD THEY ALL JUST DIED! Right in front of your innocent
eyes an entire planets' population is eaten by another planet, though
this one has horns. We see two robots escaping in shuttles only for one to be
sucked back right into this living hell, screaming as he goes. You stare
transfixed at the inside of this horned beast and how everything that was once
living is reduced to a pulpy mess that powers this robotic monstrosity. Cue opening titles.
This sequence is like nothing the Transformers
universe had ever seen and if you hoped that things would become more familiar
and comforting afterwards you were about to be disappointed. Sure the theme tunes there and
it’s familiar, if a little more hair metal than you used to, but then the voice
over kicks in and sudden it’s 2005 and the war hasn’t been going well for the
Autobots, in fact the Decepticons have been kicking their tailpipe it seems and
they’ve not only lost Cybertron but they’re forced to hide on its moons. You
remember that status quo that was so lovingly and reliably restored every
Saturday morning? That’s not so much gone out the window as been smashed by a
druken Dinobot and then used to wipe Devastator’s arse. But look don’t worry,
there’s Optimus and Ironhide, hell it’s even reassuring to see Laserbeak at this
point. Besides Optimus is going to send Ironhide to get more Energon cubes and
as Ironhide says “Your days are numbered now Decepticreeps’. Oh thank God this
is more like it. It’s not even a major worry that Megatron learns their plans,
I mean that kind of thing happened all the time in the cartoon. So the
Decepticons break into the Autobot shuttle and it looks like we’re going to get
a fun fight scene, Brawn changes at them, Megatron transforms and Starscream
uses him to shoot Brawn. Dead. But maybe he’s just hurt! Suddenly Prowl leaps
out and starts shooting at them, Prowl who has been in the cartoon since the
start and is one of Optimus’s most trusted lieutenants, he’ll surely do
something heroic…no he’s just shot down and we literally see the life fade from his
eyes. He hasn’t even said one single word and now he’s dead. Ironhide and
Ratchet are equally swiftly dispatched, but Ironhide isn’t dead yet, we see him
pathetically grab Megatron’s leg, who then just causally shoots him in the
face. So that’s an entire planet and four of the original cast cut down within
8 minutes, honestly this makes Joss Whedon look overly sentimental.
It doesn’t get any better from here once the
Decepticons launch their attack on Autobot City. We at least see Prowl and
Ratchet die which is marginally better than Wheeljack and Windcharger whose battered and broken corpses are just briefly glimpsed.
And then there’s
Optimus Prime. Yes he gets great final fight with Megatron but lets be honest
he doesn’t die nobly, he dies because of Judd Nelson’s stupidity, there’s
nothing heroic about getting shot multiple times because of one of the less successful members of the Brat Pack.
The film may continue beyond its first act but your childhood won't. Now you know what life is really like and even the sight of Wreck-Gar who has guns for nipples won't bring it back. Because you just saw your action figures die and nothing will ever alter that.
War is hell.
1 Though due to his being so terrifying Willem Dafoe action
figures are banned in a third of countries around the globe.
God bless Terry Nation, as the creator of Blake's 7, Survivors, co-creator of the Daleks(1) and writer of The House In Nightmare Park his influence on television science fiction can still be felt today. It would however not be unfair to say that Terry had certain plot points that he liked to make repeated use of. But fear not, for we can turn these quirks of writing to our advantage and ensure that a knowledge of his works will make us a whiz at parties, because ladies and gentleman I present:
The Terry Nation Drinking Game.
Now obviously some of these will apply to certain programmes more than others but there should be enough to make sure that no matter what your choice of viewing you'll end up pleasantly tipsy(2). The rules are exceptionally simple, every time you see one of the following on-screen take a shot of your favourite alcohol beverage
A character called Tarrant.
The story takes place in a hostile jungle.
There are parallels between the villains and Nazis.
Every time plague or disease is mentioned.
A Dalek make a 'surprise'(3) appearance at the end of episode 1.
There an exciting countdown at the end.
A character make a heroic sacrifice.
The story take place in a post apocalyptic wasteland.
A race been reduced to savagery because of technological failure.
There is a traitor in the heroes' midst.
The Daleks subdued the local population and forced them into slavery.
A villain have a physical deformity.
The story takes place in a domed city.
There a race of invisible creatures.
There are mutants(4).
Every time the word 'space' is inserted in front of a normal job title, for example Space Captain, Space Security Agent or Space Gynaecologist.
A seemingly villainous/sinister character actually turn out to be heroic.
Feel free to add any other suggestions in the comments below and please remember that 50 freedom fighters die every year from drunken teleportation accidents, so be safe.
1 I'm sorry but if you don't think Raymond Cusick deserves equal credit ask yourself why we're not demanding that the Voord come back for Doctor Who's 50th anniversary. 2 I deny all legal responsibility if you should attempt this while watching the entire first series of Blake's 7. 3 It counts as a surprise even if the story has the word Dalek in the title or even in the case of Planet Of The Daleks when the Doctor is expecting to find them. 4 You can also count the mutoids from Blake's 7 if you really want more liver damage.
Time And The Rani starts with the TARDIS being knocked off course(1), crashing into a quarry with a dirty pink sky while being guided by
what looks suspiciously like a rainbow. Then Kate O’Mara walks in and declares
‘Leave the girl it’s the man I want’(2) only for Harpo Marx to regenerate into Sylvester McCoy due to tumultuous buffeting.
Lets be honest, as a start to a brand new era it doesn't immediately fill you with an overriding sense of confidence.
Here’s the thing, Time
And The Rani it’s nobodies favourite and with pretty good reason, however as much as I understand the larger fan consensus I personally have a certain amount of fondness for it. As I explained in a previous post it's the first story I
actually brought so I'm perhaps slightly more forgiving than some. I genuinely enjoyed it at the time and even though exposure to more Who made me realise that it wasn’t
exactly a shining example of the shows strengths it's still a story I can watch. Given the circumstances behind the story it's amazing it doesn't just end up being 4 episodes of the production team sitting down and crying.
Following the
monumental behind the scenes cluster-fuck that was The Trial Of A Time Lord,
long time producer and fandom punching-bag John Nathan Turner was forced by the
BBC to fire Colin Baker, this combined with the fact that script editor Eric
Saward had quit to start a career as a hard bitten cliché ridden mercenary(3), meant that Doctor Who as a programme was pretty much screwed. But as far as JNT
was concerned at least he would be allowed to leave the programme. Imagine his
surprise when after returning from holiday(4) he was told he wouldn't be leaving and could he please start work on the next series despite the
fact that he had no Doctor, no script editor and no scripts. Under these
desperate circumstances he made two surprisingly good decisions, he hired the
incredibly inexperienced Andrew Cartmel to be script edit and the relatively
unknown Sylvester McCoy to be Doctor number 7, however because no one is perfect he also commissioned a script by Pip and Jane
Baker.
Now as much as a lot
of people might not, quite justifiably, like Pip and Jane there is a definite
logic to hiring them. They’d already proved that they could knock out a script
in double quick time when they had had to write Trial part 14 pretty much over
a weekend and when taken into consideration that episode holds up remarkably
well. And it’s not like the BBC where going to give Doctor Who any more time as the official management position on it was not to give a toss. So Pip and Jane wrote Time And The
Rani without even knowing whether it would be Colin Baker’s last or Sylvester’s
first, an important point we’ll get back too later.
Now I don’t want to
talk about Cartmel’s strengths and weaknesses in this entry because he
had so little influence over this story that it really wouldn’t be fair,
however there is one interesting tale that arose from the making of documentary
on the DVD. Pip and Jane talk about how the story originally opened with King
Soloman, who the Rani would kidnap for his wisdom, and Cartmel asked them to
change it to Albert Enstien. Now this may seem like a minor detail but I think
it’s especially interesting when you take into account one of Cartmel’s biggest
influences when he started on Who where comics(5). Put it
this way, while Eisten was obviously one of the great scientific minds of the 20th century, he’s also been used in various works of fiction, his image
appears on t-shirts and posters and E=Mc2 is probably the most well known and quoted scientific formula, in other words he’s a genuine part of pop culture and
Cartmel will slowly reconnect Doctor Who to pop culture in a fashion that would continue when it returned in 2005.
If you haven’t
already guessed, I’m skirting round the actual story itself
but before I get into particular plot details there’s one observation I want to
make that will no doubt upset some Who fans if they don’t give me a chance to
place it in context. Anyway here we go, the story that Time And The Rani
shares the most qualities with is Tom Baker’s own début Robot. Now I can hear a
few gasps of horror but let me explain. Part of the fun of Robot is that it is
a 3rd Doctor UNIT story that is missing the velvet elegance of
Pertwee and has this gangly, wild eyed, curly haired loon in his place. It
makes sense, ease the audience in to the new Doctor by surrounding him with
familiar elements. Of course the Pertwee era was one that launched the programme
into new heights of popularity, the Colin Baker era less so. But that’s what we
get, a 6th Doctor story that’s missing the larger than life(6) operatically theatrical Mr Baker and instead has this small Scottish
clown who does prat falls and plays the spoons. If nothing else it provides an immediate contrast between the two. What we get here is almost
pure clown, something that McCoy has stated he regrets, but given how
last minute this all was he went with his natural instincts and he can't
be blamed for that. He may prat fall and play the spoons but he's also
immensely likeable, even while being grumpy. He's less imposing than Baker but he's still able to bring a real sense of
energy when he's on-screen.
Supporting this new Doctor we have Kate
O’Mara,who, as always, is able to make The Rani work far better than Pip and
Jane’s script deserves. I mean the poor woman must have been more than a little surprised to find that she was going to have to cosplay as Bonnie Langford for the bulk two episodes. I mean don’t get me wrong she
does the best she can and she makes it fun to watch, especially in those
moments where her contempt for the Doctor accidentally shows through, with either
a disgusted facial expression or a muttered aside, but at the same time it’s a
gob smackingly dumb idea(7). Of course the idea of cosplaying isn’t nearly as dumb as her
actual plan, she needs to blow up an asteroid but she has to do it at a certain
time because despite the fact she has time travel she can’t build a missile
platform that can move? And when something breaks she has a whole load of
geniuses to chose from but she decides to kidnap the Doctor, even Mel points out
what a stupid idea this is. Also at one point the Doctor stumbles upon the the device that she used to bring down the TARDIS and it's basically a futuristic hand gun, which does lead to the rather amusing image of The Rani walking out into the open pointing the gun up and just firing it into the empty air(8).
If you’re expecting me to talk about Mel, you’ll have to
wait until I tackle Paradise Towers, all I will say is that for the first time
ever I noticed how pert her bottom was.
So yes this story is
stupid and like nothing else in the McCoy era but here’s the thing, I genuinely
loved it when I was 15 and I still can’t entirely condem it now. Because despite it's script stupidities it moves along at a decent pace and if given a choice between Time And The Rani, The Mutants, The Time Monster or Attack Of The Cybermen I'd chose this every time(9).
1 Seemingly while visiting the galaxy of texture-less CGI. 2 Gay agenda. 3 To
go along with his part time career of whining about his time on Doctor Who. 4 Which one imagines probably involved
burning giant wicker effigies of Saward and Ian Levine. 5 It's pretty well established that Cartmel would often tell his writers to read Alan Moore's The Ballad Of Halo Jones, which was originally published in 2000 AD, while not one of his best works it's an interesting read especially if you look at it through the lens of Series 25. 6 Not a fat joke. 7 She should be lucky the Doctor was no longer travelling with Peri, not only would she have had to put on a unconvincing American accent but perhaps a shockingly ugly top with plunging neck line. 8 Also the Doctor says it would bring down any passing space-ship which means the TARDIS just happened to be near the planet when The Rani wanted him. Going on the Doctor's Wife I suppose the TARDIS took him there because he was needed, which seems to indicate that even the TARDIS didn't like the 6th Doctor. 9. Yes that is what they technically call damning with faint praise.
I have a confession to make, I can quite happily pass an afternoon on YouTube watching the opening credits of various TV shows. Done well they are an genuine art-form that can tell us the back story, tone and atmosphere of a show all with the aid of a tune you can whistle. I'm going to be looking at various decades and picking some of my personal favourites while trying to explain just what makes them so great.
So first of all the 60s. Now obviously there are a lot of iconic openings and themes that come from this time but I've stuck to the first three that came to mind.
Doctor Who (original)
Lets be honest the scariest thing during this era of Doctor Who is still the opening. Delia Derbyshire's truly alien arrangement of Ron Grainer's theme introduces electronic music to a generation, as weird shapes move and swirl round the screen. It tells us nothing about the characters or the setting but it does tell us that whatever we're about to see will have an element of the alien too it. After all you don't go from something so strange to a kitchen sink drama.
The Avengers (Series 5)
So we now move away from the strange to the sophisticated in what might be the most flirtious opening credits in history. While like Doctor Who it doesn't give us anything in terms of back story it does totally establish the relationship between Steed and Ms Peel, the are they/aren't they flirting and heavy alcohol dependency. We also see them with weapons and pulling some fighting moves so we know that the drama probably doesn't revolve round AA meetings. It totally sets the tone of the whole show, stylish, laid back with just a hint of danger and it makes me proud to be British.
The Prisoner
While the previous two examples have been great in setting tone and atmosphere The Prisoner is a brilliant example of how to tell the audience everything they need to know in terms of back story. In the first part of the sequence we see that Patrick McGoohan/Number 6 is resigning from some high level job in government and he's pissed off about it, he's then followed home by a hearse, gassed and wakes up in a holiday village in Wales. All this without a single word of dialogue. The second half then sets up the basic conflict at the heart of the series, not only do we see the truly weird world of The Village we see Number 6 running round looking defiant all the while arguing with whoever is Number 2 that week and it ends with one of the shows most iconic lines 'I am not a number I am a free man' which is met with sneering laughter week in week out. Even if you've never seen an episode before all it's all set up so beautifully that despite just how unusual the show is you'll still enter an episode with all the knowledge you need.
The next instalment will be the 70s, so we're pretty much assured some funk based themes to look forward too.
Over the following months I’m going to be
posting a series of articles about one of my favourite periods of Doctor Who. Now those reading this who don’t know me will be nodding their head
sagely and muttering ‘Ah yes the Hinchcliffe era no doubt, with it’s wonderful gothic
undertones and brooding performance by Tom Baker.’ Well no I’m afraid not, so
perhaps they're now thinking ‘Well Adam perhaps you’re going to take us through
your own personal journey concerning the master class in base under siege stories that where the Troughton
years.’ again I’m afraid not.1 They may now be furious scratching their heads and saying ‘A look
back at the glory of Pertwee or perhaps yet another spirited defence of the
Graham Williams era?’ Once again dear reader no! The era that I love the most is that of lucky number 7, Sylvester McCoy. Now I’m sure some of you have read that sentence
and just gone ‘Oh....right’ and that’s OK, frankly I’m use to it by now and I bear
no, well very little, resentment. Just the other night I meant a very pleasant
fellow Who lover, who when I mentioned that I was a McCoy fan placed a hand on my
shoulder and just said ‘I’m so sorry’. Now obviously he was joking but it does
underline a certain attitude towards the last 3 years in the original series
run. However the point of these posts will not be to say that people who don’t like McCoy are
wrong, there purpose is to say why I like them and perhaps it’ll provide something of a cathartic exercise for me
personal. That doesn’t mean I’ll be utterly gushing, like every era of Who it
has it has produced its clunkers, but failures can sometimes be more
interesting to examine than success, for such an example you should check out
Tardis Eruditorum’s look back at the 6th Doctor era.
This particular post is too give some personal context as to how I got into Doctor
Who. I was very lucky, I grew up in a Who positive household, my
parents watched the show regularly throughout its original run and I was always aware of its existence.
I was born in 1981 so was around the right age to catch McCoy when he started,
but here’s the thing dear reader I was an overly nervous child so I never properly
watched it. I was aware of McCoy as the Doctor but
never saw him until the first episode of The Curse Of Fenric in 1989,
now in my head I knew it was brilliant but it was also absolutely terrifying so I didn't watch the rest. Who knows perhaps if the original series had gone on for just one more year I’d
have tuned in but could'a should'a would'a is meaningless.3 So Doctor Who was cancelled and that could have been that for me. But
then Doctor Who’s 30th anniversary swung round and they started
showing repeats on BBC 2 and I watched them with my parents and that was how I got to know the
Doctor, by starting with Hartnell and going through to McCoy. Of course I really
liked it but I wasn’t a fan, at least not just yet. Over the next few years I watched a lot
of science fiction and read a lot of comics, sometimes I would go round to
friends and we might watch the occasional video of Who, the Five Doctors for
example, and once I borrowed Silver Nemesis (stop laughing) which I really
enjoyed, especially as it had a cool making of documentary all about Doctor
Who.4 Despite this outrageous flirting I don’t count myself truly becoming a fan until about 1996
when, a few months before the TV Movie, I made a conscious decision to use some
birthday tokens to buy a Doctor Who video, from Boots5, that video was Time And
The Rani and I loved it (no seriously stop laughing!). And that seems as good a
point as any to leave you until the first proper instalment of what I’m going
to be calling Sylvester Sundays.
1. Has anyone ever written
any fan fiction that mashes up series 5 Troughton with the Steven Seagal movie and if not could they do so immediately
please.
2. Though having said that once
I have all the Pertwee on DVD I’ll definitely be doing a similar look back on the era as I
think it’s weirdly misunderstood.
