Transformers The War Movie.

War, it may be the most horrific of human experiences but it’s also one of the most gloriously visual and that means it’s always been a choice subject for films. The Dam Busters, Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Saving Private Ryan, the list goes on but what celluloid experience truly captures the pointless bloody slaughter and sacrifice that any major conflict involves? Well the answer may surprise you and the slaughter involved is not bloody but oily, because nothing shows the true horror of the battlefield as effectively the first 25 minutes of that animated classic Transformers: The Movie.

Yes the film that features Eric Idle voicing a robot that speaks in TV clichés is a better war film than Platoon. Why you ask? Because two years before Platoon’s release you weren’t playing with Sergeant Elias action figures(1). Lets put this in context, for the two years before the cinematic release of Transformers there where 65 episodes of the cartoon produced. So repeats aside that at least 65 times a young child of the 80s would have sat down on a Saturday morning and watched two sets of robots in disguise kick the crap out of each other, safe in the knowledge that by the end of every episode not only would the status quo be restored but all your favourite characters would be fine and if, they where an Autobot, possibly having a forced laugh at some terrible joke. It was fun, exciting and safe. But soon you were about to learn that where war is concerned nothing is sacred.

 

 Now it’s 1986 and you’re so excited because there’s a Transformers Movie and according to its trailer it’s ‘the most incredible rock ‘n’ roll adventure ever’!  AND it’s starring Judd Nelson! Well OK maybe that particular fact would be less exciting but it also has a giant transforming planet! How will Wheeljack, Prowl, Ironhide and of course Optimus Prime get out of this one? Then the film starts, and you have those opening shots of Unicorn floating through space which are weirdly beautiful.  You cut too a planet of robots, not Transformers but maybe second cousins? And oh look they even have little robot children running around, that’s cute even if it does rise the question of robotic procreation, none the less I’m sure the people on this planet will play some important role, maybe the Decepticons capture it and the Autobots have to save everyone…OH GOD THEY ALL JUST DIED! Right in front of your innocent eyes an entire planets' population is eaten by another planet, though this one has horns. We see two robots escaping in shuttles only for one to be sucked back right into this living hell, screaming as he goes. You stare transfixed at the inside of this horned beast and how everything that was once living is reduced to a pulpy mess that powers this robotic monstrosity. Cue opening titles.

 This sequence is like nothing the Transformers universe had ever seen and if you hoped that things would become more familiar and comforting afterwards you were about to be disappointed. Sure the theme tunes there and it’s familiar, if a little more hair metal than you used to, but then the voice over kicks in and sudden it’s 2005 and the war hasn’t been going well for the Autobots, in fact the Decepticons have been kicking their tailpipe it seems and they’ve not only lost Cybertron but they’re forced to hide on its moons. You remember that status quo that was so lovingly and reliably restored every Saturday morning? That’s not so much gone out the window as been smashed by a druken Dinobot and then used to wipe Devastator’s arse. But look don’t worry, there’s Optimus and Ironhide, hell it’s even reassuring to see Laserbeak at this point. Besides Optimus is going to send Ironhide to get more Energon cubes and as Ironhide says “Your days are numbered now Decepticreeps’. Oh thank God this is more like it. It’s not even a major worry that Megatron learns their plans, I mean that kind of thing happened all the time in the cartoon. So the Decepticons break into the Autobot shuttle and it looks like we’re going to get a fun fight scene, Brawn changes at them, Megatron transforms and Starscream uses him to shoot Brawn. Dead. But maybe he’s just hurt! Suddenly Prowl leaps out and starts shooting at them, Prowl who has been in the cartoon since the start and is one of Optimus’s most trusted lieutenants, he’ll surely do something heroic…no he’s just shot down and we literally see the life fade from his eyes. He hasn’t even said one single word and now he’s dead. Ironhide and Ratchet are equally swiftly dispatched, but Ironhide isn’t dead yet, we see him pathetically grab Megatron’s leg, who then just causally shoots him in the face. So that’s an entire planet and four of the original cast cut down within 8 minutes, honestly this makes Joss Whedon look overly sentimental.

 

 It doesn’t get any better from here once the Decepticons launch their attack on Autobot City. We at least see Prowl and Ratchet die which is marginally better than Wheeljack and Windcharger whose battered and broken corpses are just briefly glimpsed.

  And then there’s Optimus Prime. Yes he gets great final fight with Megatron but lets be honest he doesn’t die nobly, he dies because of Judd Nelson’s stupidity, there’s nothing heroic about getting shot multiple times because of one of the less successful members of the Brat Pack.

The film may continue beyond its first act but your childhood won't. Now you know what life is really like and even the sight of Wreck-Gar who has guns for nipples won't bring it back. Because you just saw your action figures die and nothing will ever alter that.

War is hell.    

1 Though due to his being so terrifying Willem Dafoe action figures are banned in a third of countries around the globe.